Why Doesn't Sex Feel Good?

Isn’t sex supposed to be good? When you think about it, the idea is awesome, but when it comes down to it, you would rather do something totally different like watch a movie. Or you have the same feeling towards foreplay, well it is not bad and it does not excite you either. Basically it has no effect on you. Do you keep wondering if you are the one with the problem or there is something you should do so that you can enjoy it?

Why Doesn’t Sex Feel Good?

People tend to think that sex is all about penetration. However, this is absolutely not the case. If you go straight to penetration, then the whole experience may not be as magical as you imagined it in your head. Sex is a process that requires talking, touching, kissing, stroking and intense clitoral stimulation.

There are reasons as to why you might end up screaming “ouch” rather than “oohh”. It might be you are nerves or you have stayed too long without engaging in sex, or you have never had sex before. In most cases, this might be as a result of lack of adequate lubrication or foreplay. A lubricant might help, but the secret of keeping things hot is foreplay - kissing, touching, fondling and stimulating the clitoris during sex.

Dr. Petra Boynton a sex and relationship psychologist says that 80% of women do not climax with penetration.

If you are having sex for the sake of making your boyfriend happy, then it is definitely not the right time for you to have sex. In any case, if he is pushing you towards it, chances are that he is also not ready. If he cares for you, then he will respect your feelings and wishes and above all show emotional maturity.

Other answers to ‘why doesn’t sex feel good?’ include:

  • You are worried you might not be a good partner or you have no idea what to do
  • You are not certain you want o have sex
  • You are concerned about your physical appearance; if you are sexy or just normal?
  • You think people might gossip you or tease you
  • The sex is not consensual
  • You have been sexually abused in the past
  • You are not sure about your sexuality, if you are gay or bisexual
  • You are scared of getting pregnant
  • You are scared of transmitting sexually transmitted diseases
  • You are worried your friend and family might know
  • You are not open and comfortable with your partner to tell him what feels good or bad
  • You feel pressured to having sex or getting an orgasm
  • You are stressed or tired
  • You feel pain during intercourse or it’s too fast or it’s taking forever to end
  • You are going through psychological issues that are affecting your libido like depression
  • You are taking drugs that are lowering your sex drive like anti-depressants
  • You are not feeling comfortable or private enough with where you are having sex
  • You are feeling guilty or nervous; drunk or high- you might not get excited

What to Do If Sex Doesn’t Feel Good?

If you feel very little or no sensation at all during sexual intercourse, even when your sensitive parts have been stimulated, then you are not aroused. People have different degrees to which they have to be turned to enjoy different types of sex. But when you are full excited, all types of sex including contact of body parts apart from genitals will yield lots of intensity. After understanding why doesn’t sex feel good? Here’s what to do:

1.       Be in the Right Mood

Sexual response and arousal is determined by our central nervous system and the brain. If you are troubled in either of the systems, it will be quite difficult to get you sexually excited. When sexually aroused, our genitals become extremely sensitive and responsive to touch so when you do not feel a thing, it simply means that you are not sexually excited. In addition, if you are sexually aroused and you are happy emotionally as compared to being anxious and fearful, sex will hurt less and you will most likely experience pleasure.

2.       Appreciate and Love your Body

It is rather sad that most people are embarrassed and ashamed of their bodies. However, people have different bodies and for that reason, all bodies are unique in shape, size, color even smell. What is on the media does not have to be perfect to everyone. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder - different people have different definitions of sexy and attractive bodies. Therefore, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Take time to learn your body, use a mirror to look at yourself or even touch yourself. Eventually, you will learn to appreciate and love your body, the minute you are able to do that, other people will also find you attractive.

3.       Know What You Prefer

Everybody has their preference when it comes to how they would like to be touched caressed and made love to. However, you need to find this out on your own so that you can tell you partner what arouses you the most. You can try masturbating - this will give you a clue on how you would like to be handled. Use sex toys and figure out the speed and position you like best and what gives the best pleasure. You can also fantasize about what you would want, read books and magazines or even watch films that will give you ideas.

4.       Take Your Time

Unlike men, women take time to get sexually excited. Make sure you let your body get fully excited before penetration. You can also use lubricants as they not only ease penetration, but might also increase the sexual pleasure.

Another option is exploring your own feelings about sex. If you feel that you are not ready for it, and thus the loss of focus and interest, you should abstain from any form of sex. It is not a must that you have sex, give yourself time and you will eventually enjoy it when it is time.

5.       Change Positions

You can try to be on top as this will give you control over the movement and penetration. Before sex, take a warm shower and make sure your bladder is emptied. However, if you feel that the pain is not going away, you should visit a doctor.

6.       Change Your Thoughts

A woman’s clitoris has twice the nerve endings of a penis. You should avoid thinking that it is not possible for you to feel good during sex. If anything you are twice as capable of feeling sexual pleasure compared to a man. So if you are not experiencing the pleasure maybe you just have the wrong thoughts.

7.       Try Psychotherapy

This will be helpful especially if have had traumatic sex history. Women who have had traumatic sex experiences have reported feeling discomfort and pain during sex even though the experience was years ago. Your body has its own complex responses to situations, and for sexual abuse you need psychotherapy to get over the experience totally and enjoy sex like other people.

8.       Visit a Healthcare Provider

If the pain that you are feeling during intercourse is similar to the one that you have been feeling during masturbation, then there might be need to see a doctor. However, if you are mostly complaining of clitoral pain, then it might be because of the way you masturbate or the way someone else is touching you - it might be too fast or too rough causing pain.

Nonetheless, the pain you are experiencing could be as a result of a health problem like lichen sclerosis, vulvar vestibulitis, clitoral adhesions (when sebum accumulates under clitoris’ hood), Bartholin’s gland cyst or a compressed nerve. For such problems, medical attention must be sought to stop the pain.


  • Move at your own pace. Go fast or slow depending on your taste.
  • Let your partner know that you are ok with trying out new things, but you have to approve first
  • Always have lube close by. It helps out when penetration seems troublesome and can give extra pleasure. Buy at your drug store or sex shop
  • Believe otherwise. Once you believe that sex is an awesome experience and you take control over it, then you will experience the pleasure. All you need is a relaxed mind and body and the right thoughts.
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